So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
