ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
