I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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