You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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