I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
