This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
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This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
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We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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