Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
