I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
