I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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