wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
