mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Randomize
