he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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