I showed him my bush... on skype.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
