oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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