Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
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