im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Randomize
