He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
