I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
