Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
