community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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