Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
