I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
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Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
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So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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