I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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