girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We need to get me chipped asap
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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