The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
