Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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