My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
