maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
