I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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