my shit smells like andre
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
