What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
