Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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