Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
