why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
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he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
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I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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