I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
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He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
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I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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