I love black thongs
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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