apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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