I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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