Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Fuck me I smell like cheese
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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