I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
