wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
