I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
