yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Rumble strips road head = magical
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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