omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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