if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
