worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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