My cat gives me a boner
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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