I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
