I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
