my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
