He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
