we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
So squirting runs in the family.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
