I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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